The Definition of Irony...

We are looking for a male voiceover artist to narrate a 15 minute graduate documentary on the rise of unpaid internships which dominate graduate employment in the creative industrys. Many graduates face diffculty in the current employment environment, having little choice but to work unpaid for long periods of time to 'earn' a role in the industry. This piece debates the exploitation issues and legal complications involved in this, whilst also considering the traditions of internships and how they can benefit graduates. The film features some important influential figures in the current lively debate such as MP's, trade union representatives, small businesses and interns themselves. We require someone with a strong, confident and engaging voice to lead the piece and aid the discussion. 


Of course, they're expecting the voiceover artist to work for free...

Peanuts

I received a phonecall from a rather earnest student (so endearingly earnest I feel a little bad for writing this) who softly whispered down the phone beckoning me to do a voiceover the next day in Greenwich. They'd found my CV online but until that moment they had not heard my voice so already I was pondering how professional the job would be.

They offered me £15 for my trouble, and although I have worked for free in the past to gather showreel material, I consider those days well and truly over.  I told them (and it was the first time I've ever uttered the words) "I'm sorry I don't work for free." To which they replied, "We can do £20."

Bless. Of course, I don't blame the students. It''s not their fault that they aren't given a decent budget, but what kind of message does it send to the very people who are the next generation of film makers if there are so many actors and actresses lining up to work for nothing?

Overheard in rehearsal...

Woman: Yeah it's a play about Palestine and what's been happening over there...
Man: Wow, sounds progressive...

Terrifying Experience

I understand that there has been a technical error in terms of scripts and communication. Firstly i would like to apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you. The fault is completely mine alone and i take full responsibility for it and its effects.

Regrettably i must inform you that, after due consideration, i have deselected you from the process of casting for this short. Please take my sincerest gratitude for making this first exposure to casting a thrilling, engrossing and, at times, terrifying experience. I can only wish you luck for the future and that i, or any director for that matter would be incredibly lucky to have your talents on set. The reason for your unsuccessful application is not your failure but rather my own attempts to try and 'scale down' a production that has become increasingly large in scope. I would like to thank you for very much for your time.

Yours very sincerely, _________.

Thanks...I think

One of the more interesting rejection letters I've received:

Hello ladies

just wanted to drop you a line saying you were unsuitable for this role, the main reason being that she is a white trash, council estate skank, who gave birth to a famous actors love child (daren't say who yet :-))

So basically you were either too damned HOT or young to pull it off!! however the massive response has given me an insight as to what quality there is out there so I will be writing new characters and will let you know what we need when we need it.

All the best

___________

I thought about writing back, but decided against it. It became apparent that I wasn't alone in my distaste when I received a second email:

I was surprised to hear from your replies, which by the way did not have one "knob" or "tosser" word in them :-)that it was rare to get a reply! bit rude if you ask me!

When I invented ________ whilst sipping on several pints of cool refreshing Stella Artois, I think that the lady I found out of the 1,600 that applied was secretly hidding in my sub- concious!!<<

Anyway this is what I was looking for (a link to the showreel of the chosen actress)

Don't Believe Them

Found in a forum, this particular musing came at the tail end of a debate about trained actors versus non trained actors where comments such as "Would you trust your surgeon if he hadn't been to medical school...would you trust an untrained dentist?" appeared. Then this person decided to start a new thread, not so subtly referencing the notion in their own special way:

"Some even established actors repeatedly say in interview: ' oh but it isn't brain surgery'

Don't believe them-- what we do :
It IS BRAIN SURGERY- furthermore- IT IS HEART SURGERY AT THE SAME TIME!!!

Well done all you artist scientists!!! xxxxxxxxx __________ (this one is not so cryptic!)"

Funnily enough, most of this person's posts do happen to be cryptic but not in the way that they would like. They just have the worst spelling and grammar.

Missed Opportunity

Hold onto your butts, this is a long one. This one happened quite a while back. I was trying to get a showreel together, so I put myself up for lots of unpaid student films. For the first audition for one such film, I was told via email to call the producer when I had arrived at the film school. I tried calling the number I was given, no answer. I kept calling, and waiting, still no answer. I ended up going inside and asking reception whether they knew where the student I was waiting to meet with was. They didn't. They also mentioned that this was very unlike this student to be late. Finally, they arrived, stating they didn't know where I was. The audition went well, despite me having to wait a further twenty minutes for the director to arrive.

All this is common within the industry, but it's frustrating when you take time out of work to to be met with such delays - also knowing this is an unpaid project. Ho hum, the trials and tribulations of getting a showreel together. What happened next, was the real kicker.

I got a call back. They wanted to see me work with other potential cast members. I had another audition to go to that evening but I had a narrow window to see them beforehand, so I emailed and made sure they were aware that I wouldn't be able to stay long, and they understood.

I arrived, and once again, no one knew where the producer was. I waited, I called, I asked reception. Again, the receptionist noted that this was unusual behaviour for the student. I waited until I couldn't wait anymore and left for my second audition.

I was pretty angry. At work, I spoke to an actor I knew who had some experience with the film school and he said I should absolutely follow it up with their superiors, considering I'd missed work and they had wasted my time. So I called the film school and lodged a complaint. That's when I received this:

Dear ____________, We were expecting you on Tuesday, 5.30PM for a 2nd call with all our actors, but unfortunately we haven't heard from you nor seen you on the day nor since.
We only hope you are fine. However, if you had a change of heart we would totally understand it. We wish you much success in all your projects and we hope to collaborate with you
on a future production. All best, ______________

You can imagine my confusion. So I replied:

Dear __________, I'm confused - I was there at 5.30pm on Tuesday. I rang you dozens of times, text you and left a message on your answerphone. I waited until 6pm but then had to leave as I told you I needed to be elsewhere. Because I didn't hear from you and because I left work early that day to meet you, I subsequently conplained to (film school) as this is very unprofessional treatment. I hope you finish your film and good luck with everything but I find this correspondance rather odd to say the least. Perhaps you could enlighten me? _________.

The response:

Dear _________, 
I am very surprised and really sorry to hear of such a miss. I am more confused then you are as we had an appointment with all the cast (4 actors) that same Tuesday, from 5PM until 8PM. They were all present and had no problems getting through to my phone and for me to receive them. We were really looking forward to seeing you again as we sincerely liked your 1st audition. 
I can assure you that I haven't received any phone call nor text messages from you. Are you sure you have my mobile number? It is clear to me that the mobile you were calling wasn't mine. Even it is known that the mobile reception in the (film school) building is very week, I should have received at least one message
from you, text or voice-mail. But I haven't. 
The rest of the cast can confirm it as well as we were all together at that time. Why didn't you email me that same day, or the day after? You had my Casting Call Pro and personal email address and it would have been a pleasure to set a new 2nd call date with you as the part is still not cast. We simply thought you didn't show up without letting us know. We are often faced with this attitude from many actors, so we are quite used with it. Even so, we still thought of trying a last time with you, therefore my emails. But your reply (and action) is a most surprising one. This is new for us indeed. 
We are all serious, sensible, reasonable, professional people in this school, and many of us with years and family in this industry. Misunderstandings in communication can happen at any stage, yet we always adhere to a transparent, elegant and honest etiquette when collaborating with each other. Being aggressive or negligent is not one of our credos. We are very sorry for this missed opportunity. 
We wish you all the best of success in your career and look forward to seeing you sometimes soon, as this industry is very small indeed. Kind regards, __________

It was quite clear to me now, that somewhere along the line I'd received an incorrect phone number, that I
could understand. But I didn't particularly appreciate the mildly threatening overtones of 'family in the industry'
and 'the industry being small'. But I concede on the point that perhaps I should have emailed them before
complaining. Anyway, I couldn't believe what happened next. It seems the producer and director were emailing each other regarding this mishap - and the director accidentally emailed me their thoughts also, (for the sake of deciphering this email, let's just say I'm 'K'):

I just read K's email. This is wierd. If K is calling at all i think K is callig the wrong number obviously. Unless ... there was one time K called me, the 2nd time K cancelled on us weeks ago and K rang a number I never use unless I am calling abroad. It is possible K may have been ringing me all this time instead if you! But that is just silly of K cos since you have been calling, has your number by now, so why is K still calling me? That is IF K is calling me and not someone else. ask K to send you the number K was calling. what is K saying? is K out or coming tomorrow? K is beginning to piss me off. Is ______ on for the male nurse? he could replace K if K is acting up. is he coming tomorrow too? ________ is the guy playing the male nurse, right? I mix up these names.

Naturally, I felt compelled to alert their attention to this:

Hello,

I suppose this could be an example of your 'transparent, elegant and honest' communication but it's more likely that this wasn't intended for me.

Perhaps I do have the wrong number? I don't know who you're referring to 'cancelling on you' because I never have. I attended both auditions and you can ask reception about Tuesday because she saw me waiting again. I waited for half an hour at the door in plain sight. I simply called (film school) explain that I turned up and no one seemed to be there, which from my perspective was the truth - and if I'm honest, yes it was beginning to piss me off also. I didn't lie and I certainly wasn't nasty about it.

Obviously, I wasn't getting through to you with the phone number I had - but perhaps you could have rung me? Or looked at the door? You may think complaining to (film school) was a little hasty, however, look at it from my perspective - I felt I had done my bit, I turned up twice, text and rang and had no word back. After all that I didn't feel like emailing you because I felt perhaps that the onus was on you to get in touch with me.

I'm sure actors don't turn up without telling you quite a lot, I'm just not one of them. I genuinely wanted to be in your film and I made every effort to attend - even when I already had a meeting lined up for Tuesday. I don't need to tell you that I have 'years of experience' or 'family in the industry' it just isn't relevent.

Regardless, I wish you success with your project. I'm big enough to admit the error in my part, but I don't think the aftermath of this situation has been handled very professionally by yourselves. (The email sent to me by accident being case in point.)

________.

I can't say we worked together, but they both were very gracious after all this. And the producer now follows me on twitter. I guess it is a small industry, after all.